Selfish Mama Matters

1.10 - When Being "Too Much" is Just Right with Erin Meadows

• Erin Meadows • Season 1 • Episode 10

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In this episode, Tina Unrue chats with Erin Meadows about the disempowering messages most women are raised with that end up looping in our heads as adults and sabotaging our potential. Erin shares that those messages, whether obtained subtly or overtly, can be inspected and lovingly rejected so that we can intentionally choose the messages upon which to build our lives.

Erin Meadows is on a mission to help ambitious women get more of what they want, in life and their career. 

Guest: Erin Meadows

Host: Tina Unrue

Erin Meadows: I just decided this is who I am. I, I am meant to be bright and to shine and when I do that, I make it safe for other people to do it too.

Welcome to the Selfish Mama Matters Podcast with your host, and my mom, Tina Unrue. 

Tina Unrue: Erin, it is really, really, a joy to have you today. I cannot wait to talk to you and to get into your story. I know we're gonna touch on a few different things. But before we do that, would you please introduce yourself, share your pronouns, and share how you are showing up in the world.

Erin Meadows: Um, yes, thank you. I'm excited to be here. So I am Erin Meadows. I am a certified life and leadership coach. Um, my pronouns are she and her. Um, I'm really passionate about helping women get exactly what they want out of their lives in their careers, and I would love to help as many women as possible in my lifetime, stop settling for just good enough and actually make their lives amazing AF.

And so that is my goal. Uh, so that's the work that I do. Uh, the way that I'm showing up in this world is I really strive to be a safe place for people to feel seen and heard. I try to leave people better than I found them, and I try to make it fun. And so I'm definitely someone that loves to do the work, but ideally get some laughing in while we're doing it.

So that's really the way that I'm showing up in this world, is just loving to be with people and, um, maybe be the only person that day that they feel was able to see and hear them. And that's just such a gift that I get to do personally and professionally. 

Tina Unrue: Oh my God, I love that answer. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Erin Meadows: Oh, you're welcome. 

Tina Unrue: So obviously as a coach, we all know how important it is to have our clients feel seen and heard. Mm-hmm. . Um, and we also know what it feels like too, right? For, for someone to hold that space for us, incredibly. 

But I wanna just dive in for just a second and for all the listeners that you know, Erin and I have not met each other prior to today, and we're on Zoom, so mm-hmm.

I mean, I know now that's like the official meeting now. Hmm. Um, but I looked at your website before, of course, we did our podcast interview and your website is just full of brightness and fun. Like you have this picture on your homepage that has a confetti being thrown around you. And so when you just said that, you know, you wanna be able to be a space where people feel seen and heard, but also integrate like fun aspects and you know, humor maybe, or laughter.

And we even talked about potential use of expletive words, which they may drop, parents. So just in case. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 


[00:02:50] The world can dim our light
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Tina Unrue: Be ready. Um, so do you, do you, um, resonate as being someone who always felt very like, lively and fun? Or was there, you know, a transition that happened that kind of released that within you?

Erin Meadows: Hmm. Yeah, that's honestly the way, the way you just posed that question just really hit home for me. Even that is so much of my story, I think that like so many people and, and, and lots of women and, and part of my story, I, I came into this world of big, bright lights. And when I was little, I, I was so creative and imaginative and just, you know, my mom said I used to run down the hall of our house and do a flip into the room and just say, ta-da every time I would enter the room.

Um, and then some stuff started happening. I started getting some messages that I was too much, too big, too loud. Claimed too much of my fair share of attention. 

And essentially what that was is that was the world dimming, you know, putting the, the dimmer switch on me. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: And what I started to do was started to try to conform and shrink and be what I thought I was supposed to be to navigate in this world.

And that lasted for many, many years and it was kind of this push pull of, I would get really big and bright and then pull back and then get really big and bright because I just, I don't think I believed it was safe to truly be big and bright all of the time. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: And the more I moved into my own journey of personal development and kind of my own healing journey as a human being, which I think we're all kind of on a healing journey from day one.

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm.

Erin Meadows: Um, I just decided this is who I am. I, I am meant to be bright and to shine and when I do that, I make it safe for other people to do it too.

And so I've just really started leaning into that really hard and just saying like, I'm gonna be a beacon of damn light in every room. some people will like it and some people won't like it. I won't be for everyone. And that is okay. And that is exciting, it's liberating, and it's scary as hell sometimes. 

Tina Unrue: Amen. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Amen. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 


[00:05:12] We're on a healing journey from Day 1
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Tina Unrue: So I'm so excited because we can dig in so much here. But something I want to just touch on really quick before we move on is something that you said that resonated with me, which is you feel like we're on a healing journey from day one. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: That is some powerful stuff. Why do you say that?

Erin Meadows: Yeah, I think, um, . You know, life is filled with so many beautiful things and then it's also filled with some things that just kind of hurts and leaves scars and just, that's part of being human. Mm-hmm. , and I think we come here. . Um, and you know, it's so interesting and, and you get into certain circles and people wonder like, do we come here to become fully expressed or do we show up fully expressed and then dim and have to, and to me it's like kind of a chicken and an egg.

Yeah. But the human experience is amazing stuff. Some not so amazing stuff. It's kind of like, I think like my soul dropped in and was like, let's do it all . Like let's just experience it all. And some of it is just healing that. 

And when we look at the wounds we carry as adults, so many of them go back to our early childhood and it, they don't all have to be deeply traumatic events. It's just sometimes life leaves a little bit of a scar or a little bit of an ouchie that we're just working to heal and so it helps me to just know that every human being is working to heal something, is working to be more fully expressed. We all just want to like be seen, heard and understood and have a good life and contribute to this world. I believe that in my core. Yeah. So you know, our, our journeys might look different, but there's gonna always be some common threads between all of us. 


[00:06:54] Balancing the complexities of being human
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Tina Unrue: Yes, thank you. I mean, it speaks so much to the complexity that it means to be human. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: To kind of balance that need for individualism, but also community and collectiveness, is that the word?

Collective? 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. . Yes. To be a part of the collective. Yes, yes. 

Yeah. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: So, yeah, so I love that because I feel like we are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

Erin Meadows: Yep. 

Tina Unrue: And to that end, we have both joys and struggles. that help us along the way.

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: to evolve. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Right. Like this, this is, you know, for lack of a better term, at least in my view, almost like a big game. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: Right? 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: And not all of it's fun. I don't wanna always go up to bat. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: I do, I have to say, right? 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: But in retrospect for everything that has happened to me, good and bad mm-hmm. um, something good has come of the challenging experiences. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: Right. And so I love that you mentioned, the fact that that effort really does begin on day one. I mean, we're just constantly. Trying to figure out who we are and what we stand for, right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Oh, I love that. 

Erin Meadows: Oh my goodness.

Yeah, that resonates. I mean, I, I, I can look at some of the hardest moments of my life that even in up, even in reflection years later, still hurts and I can tell you exactly how they changed me for the better having walked through them. I can, I can pinpoint it. So yeah, I 100% co-sign what you just said.

It's, it's so true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 


[00:08:42] Navigating messages of being too much
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Tina Unrue: So, I wanna go back to you sharing in your childhood that you felt like you were like this beacon of light and then you got these messages that really kind of took hold and possibly changed you or shaped you into moving away from that beacon of light. 

Would you share some more about, you know, were those subtle, messages that you got or some overt, you know, was it a mix of both and how did you navigate through that? 

Erin Meadows: Mm, yeah, definitely a mix of both. Some of it, you know, a lot what shapes who we think we are, it comes from our family, our communities, and then kind of society at large.

And so a lot of this was, you know, I was born in the late seventies, child of the eighties, grew up in the supermodel era. So the first place I would say is by second grade. I was, I had a clear understanding that I was physically too big. And I am not unlike most people who've been socialized female growing up.

The average age is eight when a girl decides something is wrong with her body. And so I'm not alone in that journey, but that is a, a massive part of my story was feeling that I was physically too big and therefore, always doing things like shrinking and, and trying to make my shoulders smaller and my, so I think there was a little bit of that.

Then there were the messages In the classroom of I'm too talkative, I'm, I'm too busy, I'm too creative, I'm too whatever. And we also know that I'm not alone in that because there's plenty of research that shows that girls in classrooms are taught to color inside the box, to stay inside the lines, to raise their hands, to follow the rules. And girls are rewarded for being quiet and demure classrooms, whereas boys are allowed to stretch the boundaries and they, they actually grow up into adults that feel like they can push and stretch and mm-hmm. , it's part of why men are more set up to succeed in business than women. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: So my journey is not completely of its own, it's very much a part of what's happened to so many people, but I do think that those messages sunk in and stuck with me. And I'm still unraveling those messages. I'm still daily, something new will pop up where I'll go, oh, I did not know that was there. Now I'm gonna have to work on that. Uh, so yeah, so a little bit, a little bit around my body, a little around my personality, uh, and then just learning as we all do in this human experience, kind of, you test those boundaries and when you find out that you, you share, you share something and somebody doesn't keep it in confidence as a child, you shrink back. Or you go for something and it's embarrassing to you, you shrink back. And just, some of it's just that natural, kind of like you said, just a human, being a human going through human things and trying to navigate all of that. Um, but ultimately coming home to myself is really the end goal here for me. 


[00:11:48] What it means to come home to yourself
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Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Before we recorded, obviously we talked about that terminology, right? Coming home to yourself, it's, it's one of my favorite terms. I think it's really important for this podcast at least to continue to elevate the stories of women so that they can see themselves in others mm-hmm. and also possibly illuminate in themselves. something that right now is dark or dormant or hidden. You just mentioned the fact that, you know, you, you're on your own journey. You've been on your journey for however many years now, and still you're unraveling mm-hmm. and unlearning. Yeah. Right. And identifying the mindsets and beliefs and motivators, drivers that, you know, still wield themselves, um, in your behaviors and in things that we are reluctant to do in life. Right. And, and I think that's really, really important for this podcast to be able to help listeners do, which is highlight the fact that there are these subconscious or unconscious motivators that sometimes we are not aware of that are still incredibly powerful in our lives, right? 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: So, you know, you mentioned coming home to yourself. That's what we mean here, right? Is, is really just illuminating those thoughts and ideas and deciding if we want to keep them, right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 


[00:13:25] Self inquiry to possibly identify belief origins
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Tina Unrue: Share with us if you can, you know, one, um, mindset shift that allowed you to start, transitioning from someone who felt, at the mercy, let's say, of societal, uh, norms for women, right, to one that felt more empowering and more like your authentic self. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. Well, one of the questions when you were digging a little deeper with me about where this all came from, that's the first place I would tell anyone to start.

And it's where I, I check back in almost daily with, uh, when a thought comes up that stings are, is kind of like, wow, that's not a very helpful thought. Or, I discover a belief. I always want to know the origin story. So I'll sit back and ask myself, where did I develop this thought? Who taught me this? Who modeled this for me? Where did I see it? Can I remember the first time I thought this or felt this, or where this belief came from? And more times than not, I won't even be able to remember the first time because it's gonna go so far back in my childhood. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 


[00:14:27] Release without blame, shame, or judgment
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Erin Meadows: But to be able to sit back and go, wow, that's not even my thought. That's my grandmother's thought, or that was my father's thought, or that was my third grade teacher's thought like, that's not even my thought or my belief. And then the biggest thing for me is to be able to pause in that moment and say, I can choose to continue down this path, believing this thought, believing this belief, or I can unravel it and choose something different. And if I choose something different, it doesn't mean the person that modeled it or taught me it or believed it originally is a bad person or a wrong person, it just is no longer serving me. Because what I had to do was I, and both my parents have passed away. I had to sit back and say, I was blessed. I was lucky. They were amazing. I would choose them a million times over again. And also, there are some things that I'm gonna unravel and not keep for myself. And it doesn't mean they did it wrong. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: It just means that they had the tools that they had and they imparted those tools on me and, and, and, and their and their best efforts to help me do this whole human life thing.

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: And I get to say, you were amazing and wonderful humans, and you were doing everything with every tool you had for me, but this one right here, I'm gonna let it go because it's not serving me. And it probably never did. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm.

Erin Meadows: So that was big for me was to be able to say, I don't have to blame, judge, or shame anyone from where it developed. I can leave it in the past. Leave it with love and light, but also unsubscribe from it. 

Tina Unrue: Yes. Unsubscribe. Ooh, yeah. Want that button all the time? All of the things. 

Erin Meadows: Bulk unsubscribe.

Tina Unrue: Right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: All of what you just said, I would hope is really resonate with a lot of moms right now who might be listening. I know it was for me and my transition, which is, you know, the, the compassion that I can have for my parents and the level of consciousness and awareness that they had accessible to them when they were raising me, and how them, and quite frankly, anybody else who was of some type of, you know, authority or parental figure in my life at the time, including just societal messages. Right. We talked briefly about the messages that women overall get, or even girls in school. It's unfortunately, or fortunately, part of the fabric of our lives here, at least in the US, about kind of diminishing and quietting female voices, right? It, it's just what it is. And I can kind of see the, the revolution becoming louder and louder, which is really fantastic to be a part of. Um, and I know that women listening feel very much like I do. You know, as a mom then you wanna be part of that revolution and you want to raise children who are also part of that revolution. Not just girls, but boys too. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Just children in general should be able to feel equal and given enough space to be themselves in the world. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 


[00:17:51] Releasing the need to be a perfect parent
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Tina Unrue: But back to the change for, you know, for myself, it was as a mother to release this idea or a concept that I had to get this right, that I had to not mess up this parenting journey. And clearly I don't wanna mess up anything. Right? Like clearly it's like the most important job on the face of the planet and I really wanna do a good job. Mm-hmm. 

But we have to give ourselves permission to be able to know that we are human. We are not robots. So we're not going to get this right. We're going to do our best in the moment. We will still be modeling for our kids the best way we know how to be in this moment, at our respective level of consciousness of how to human. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: In the world. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: And if we can forgive our parents, if we can forgive the societal messages and still show up in a way that wants to transform them, not just for ourselves, but for the next generation. Mm-hmm. Then we should be able to give that to ourselves too. 


[00:18:59] No one knows what they're doing
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Erin Meadows: A hundred percent. 

And to just know that in all things, exactly no one knows what they're doing. I tell people this all the time, your boss doesn't know what they're doing. The CEO of that company doesn't know what they're doing. The mom that looks like she's got it going on on Instagram does not know what she's doing. None of us know what we're doing and we need to take the pressure off to get it quote right. No one can define what right looks like. You can't. Like there's, we can't agree on it. Like we can't agree on much of anything these days as a, as people. 

But so to take that pressure off and to just know that even the people who look like they've got it all figured out are making it up as they go along, because that is what it means to be human. Nobody got the manual. You didn't miss class that day. No one got it.

Tina Unrue: Amen. Amen. Amen. Yes. And I know that you and your business, I believe that you support female entrepreneurs, right? 

Erin Meadows: I do. That's part of the, yeah. Mm-hmm. , yeah. We work with a lot of women in business. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. And I know that everybody listening is not an entrepreneur, but I promise this will still make sense for you.

So just. Don't stop listening just yet. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. I support all the women. Some of them are, happen to be entrepreneurs. 

Tina Unrue: Yes. Um, and I support all the moms. And some of them might be entrepreneurs, right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: And so this is, this is, um, this makes sense though for no matter if you own a business or not, but I see it more represented in business owners and you can let me know if, if this is true for you. 

Um, what you just said about nobody has the manual. Nobody was ordained who said, yep, you're one of the chosen few who knows exactly how to do this. Mm-hmm. However, the female entrepreneurs I find oftentimes struggle with wanting to follow the guru. Yeah. Who has the right plan and the program and the one who's gonna save them, you know, all of the struggle.

Right, right. And I'm not saying that there aren't people to learn from. There are, right. There are definitely resources available. Hello? I'm a coach. Hello. Erin's a coach. Yeah. There's all kinds of people out there who are available to help support you in doing what you want to do in getting to the level of joy and life and experience that you seek.

Yeah. Right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah.


[00:21:31] You are your own guru
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Tina Unrue: But I'm gonna tell you, and I, I know, Erin, that you will agree with me, not one of us has the answer. Mm-hmm. We have our answer. We have what worked for us, and we can always share that with people. But as coaches, our job, our light and joy typically comes from helping someone else come home to themselves.

Yeah. Which means you're not following a specific protocol and Yes. Do this, do this, do this, do this. Just like I tell you. Yeah. And then you're gonna reach success. No, it's, it's let me help you figure out what you wanna do. Right. Yeah. Um, and even with moms and parenting. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Right. So you don't even have to be a business owner. Like I said, I promise, I told you I was gonna make this make sense, right? Mm-hmm. 

If you wanna find the parenting guru who has all the answers, you wanna find the right exact way to handle your kid when, guess what? It's very possible it doesn't work. Like I just was having a discussion with a client the other day who is part of a program and, and she pays for it, but guess what?

It's not helping her and her son. Mm-hmm. It doesn't mean that the program doesn't work. 

Erin Meadows: That's right. 

Tina Unrue: It just doesn't necessarily work for her and her son, at least right now. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Right. So how does you know, are you resonating with that? 

Erin Meadows: It totally resonates. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I tell my entrepreneur a clients this, I tell my leadership clients this.

I tell every human I talk. You could decide I, Erin has the way. And do everything I do and not get the same results because you're not me. Mm-hmm. And I wouldn't get your results because I'm not you. And some of this comes down to energy, right? Like there's just, there's an energy exchange. Everything is energy.

And so the energy between that mother and her son is probably very different from the energy of every other person in that group. And it doesn't mean that anything's gone wrong. It just means that there's some fine tuning there that needs to be specific to those two humans and their human experience. And so 

Tina Unrue: Exactly.


[00:23:31] Life isn't plug-and-play
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Erin Meadows: I love a good off the shelf solution and makes things faster and more simple, but, but life is not plug and play. It is trial and error. It is ups and downs. It is falling flat on your face and standing up again. And so I think a lot of times we're just trying to opt out and like skip to the good parts.

And we don't wanna go through the messy. 

Tina Unrue: Sign me up for results only, please. 

Erin Meadows: Results only. So much of this is just going, yep, I tried that program and it did not work for me. It doesn't mean I'm broken, it doesn't mean my relationship's unfixable. It just means that wasn't for me at this time in my life, for whatever reason. I'm gonna go create and find and do what will work for me. 

Tina Unrue: Amen. Right. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Just like you said, trial and error. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 


[00:24:18] You're worthy of the journey
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Tina Unrue: And you know, it's something that we touched on earlier, really, it's this topic of confidence. We have to be able to have enough confidence in ourselves that we are worthy of the journey.

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Not just worthy of the outcome, worthy of the actual journey, meaning investing the time that it takes to go after that dream, that business, whatever it is. Or confidence in the journey back home to ourselves as parents. Meaning I'm gonna make the best decision that I can in this moment and I'm gonna give myself permission to change my mind later. Or mess up with my kid and know that when I have to go back and apologize that again, it's all part of the journey, because now even though I messed up, I'm not going to beat myself up because I messed up. I'm going to use it as a learning opportunity for my child mm-hmm. about what true connection and love looks like and what repair looks like for the relationships that matter.


[00:25:21] Nobody wants perfection
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Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yes. Well, I love what you said about going back and apologizing. I think as a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you one thing: nobody wants perfect, and most people don't trust anything that comes off as perfect. And I even think back to my own experience growing up as a child.

On the rare occasion, an adult would say I was wrong, and I'm sorry. It was so pivotal for me to see that modeled, like 

Tina Unrue: mm-hmm.

Erin Meadows: Oh, whoa. Like you, you yelled at me and snapped at me and now you've got more information and realized I didn't do the thing you thought I did, and you're actually apologizing to me.

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: When that happened, it registered so deeply and I was like, look at this. It's no different than a leader. And, and I tell everybody who manages someone. Tell your people when you fail and tell them when you're wrong, they need to see it from you because nobody buys into perfect anymore.

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm.

Erin Meadows: Like we, we see it all day on social media. It's not real and, and nobody's believing it. 

Tina Unrue: Right. 

Erin Meadows: And the same is true with, with being a member of a family, with raising a child, with just being a friend, a partner, just being in that moment and knowing that it is not going to be wrapped up and perfect all the time. If you can sit in that and sit in a discomfort of that and allow that to wash over you and settle it in your bones, I promise you it's gonna feel more freeing and, and it's gonna bring more joy and connection in your life in any relationship you have. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah.


[00:26:48] Why releasing perfectionism is hard
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Tina Unrue: It's so hard to do though. 

Erin Meadows: It's terrifying.

Tina Unrue: It's so hard to do. Why do you think it's so hard? 

Erin Meadows: Because at our core, we all struggle with the thought that we're not good enough, and someone's gonna find out one day. That's why. Yeah. Every human, it might sound different. It might be, I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not smart enough. I'm not thin enough, I'm not lovable enough.

But it all results in, we all have a core human wound of I'm not good enough. And a core human fear that somebody's gonna find out . And if somebody finds out I'm not good enough, I could be abandoned or ashamed or ousted, or whatever it is. And so what we do is we, we do, we armor up, right? We don't want people to like to borrow from Brene Brown, like we put the armor on.

We don't want people to be able to get into those soft, squishy parts , because then they'll see that I'm not perfect and they won't love me. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: Or respect? 

Tina Unrue: Connection, connect. 

Erin Meadows: Connection. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Connection's everything, right? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah.


[00:27:49] Reframe for parents about perfectionism
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Tina Unrue: One thing I love to help parents do when it comes to this, right? When we feel like that, that pressure to be perfect and to get it right, I ask them to think about what guidance would you give your kid? 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: If they came to you and said, I am scared because. I feel like I have to get it right or I can't do it. What would you say? And not once, Hello parents, not once has any client ever told me. Oh yeah. I just tell them like, they have to get it right or else their life is effed.

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Right. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: We want our kids to experience life in the way that makes the most sense for them and brings the most joy and happiness. Right. And, and all the things. But yet most, most oftentimes, we don't give ourselves even that permission.

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: And at the core, it's all the same. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: Just to be you. 


[00:28:57] Parents are role models
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Erin Meadows: Yes, yes. Well, and I think, right, if you want your child to be embodied, the fastest route to that is you to become more embodied. If you want your child to be confident and comfortable speaking their truth, the fastest path to that is you doing the work and then you start modeling it.

If you want your child to grow up with, with less, fewer body image issues than you have, you're gonna have to do the work to work on yours because, they're modeling, right? We're always modeling people in our lives, but also you're just the energetic center when you're in a family, there's energy there.


[00:29:29] Selfishness is selflessness
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Erin Meadows: And so it's kind of, you know, one of the things I do with a lot of clients who have body image issues is we will do those origin stories and you will go back and you'll realize so much is not necessarily what you were told, but just what you've sensed and saw. So you may not have had a mother tell you not to eat that food, it's gonna make you fat. But you may have watched your mother deny herself that food and you knew exactly why she was doing it. Or you may not have been told, um, we don't have money. Money doesn't grow on trees. You may not have heard those words, but you may have watched and lived in a place where you felt money scarcity growing up. 

So, part of this is being so aware and that's why when when I heard, heard the name of your business and I heard the name of the podcast and I was like, I totally got the Selfish Mama concept. Because the most selfless thing you can do is do your own work and heal what needs to be healed and show up fully expressed as a human in this world. And it is the exact opposite of what people have been taught, particularly women. Women have been taught to serve everyone first and take whatever's left for herself, which is usually nothing. 

Tina Unrue: That's right. 

Erin Meadows: It's the most selfless thing you can do is do your own work. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: It changes the ripple effect it impacts, it will impact generations.

Tina Unrue: Yes. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Thank you for that. I appreciate that. Because, at the end of the day, doing our own work, but also giving ourselves permission to show up as our most authentic self is the best gift to the world and to our children, I have to say. Because it goes back to that modeling 

Erin Meadows: mm-hmm.

Tina Unrue: that you said, right? Like, when I'm showing up as my true self, I am able to share with my daughter. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing my best with the information that I have. Um, I've reserved the right to change my mind. 


[00:31:17] The importance of inspecting your beliefs
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Tina Unrue: And I feel like, especially today in our society, very much in the US but you've also seen it globally too, so many people are just entrenched 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: In their belief system, which that that in and of itself is not a problem people.

Erin Meadows: Right. 

Tina Unrue: But what I do feel like there is a lack of, is just what you said is a heightened awareness to what the eff you actually believe.

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: So when you start to come home to yourself, you can start to say, do I really agree with this? 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm.

Tina Unrue: Do I really want this?

If you st. If you do that work and you still commit to it, then game on. 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Right. Keep that belief system and go forth out in the world. And be as bold as you need to be, as long as you are not hurting and creating violence against another. Right. You wanna speak your mind because you have really inspected your belief system and you have now actively chosen it.

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: is the key here. And, um, the, it reminds me of one of my most favorite quotes by Dan Siegel. And it's something like, the environment creates the mind and then the mind creates the environment. 

Erin Meadows: Hmm. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: And that's what you're talking about, right? The environment creates our mind when we are kids. We are taking in so much information, subtle and overt. And oftentimes we have no idea that we have taken that in and almost created this operating system by which we engage with the world. And once we actually kind of turn a light on to the fact that, oh wait, I now get to choose the environment that I create with my own mind. Yeah. Yeah. That is the act of that transformation, right? That coming home to yourself. 


[00:33:13] Feeling your feelings is required
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Erin Meadows: 100%. And it does. It takes a lot of it. It takes a lot to sit down. I mean, you know this, it's so funny. I always tell people, a, anyone who's telling you personal development is like a tampon commercial.

It's like, you know, yay. All like happy is not rainbows, butterflies, puppies and kittens all the time. Sometimes it takes like a dark night of the soul to get there. Or it takes you to sit there and and cry it out and to go, oh my gosh, I don't believe this anymore, or this doesn't work for me anymore. This friend group is, is not serving me anymore.

And that can feel big and, and overwhelming and terrifying and. You don't have to burn your whole life down. But I do think that part of coming home is, is actually saying like, well, what kind of home do I want to create for myself? And so one things I'm really doing is paying attention to my body when I am in certain settings or when I am believing something or thinking something like what's actually happening in my body and using that as a cue for whether or not something needs more exploration. Because if I'm in a situation that I'm just always in, cuz I always have been and I'm feeling anxious or uncomfortable, or my stomach starts hurting, that to me, that is my body giving me a very finely tuned alert system. Mm-hmm. of like, Hey, you might need to just tune in a little differently to the conversation this group is having. Or you might need to tune in a little differently to how this particular TV show you watch what it, the message it's sending you about your body.

Mm-hmm. , like it's, you might feel it in your body before you recognize it in your head. 

Tina Unrue: Oh, for sure. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: So many of us try to run away from those discomforting feelings. 

Erin Meadows: Oh yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Right. 

Erin Meadows: That's the part of this work I don't love. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah, yeah. 

Erin Meadows: Like, no, let's not, I don't wanna feel that. I don't wanna, I don't wanna feel that

Yeah. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: And can I just say, and I, I, I would love to hear whether you agree with this or not, but you know, when we start to do that work, at first, at least, this was true for me. Um, starting to really tune into your body to start to try to discern the messages. Mm-hmm. that that effort is messy as, as all get out.

Mm-hmm. , because there's a lot of, again, just like you said, trial and error. Like I'm interpreting this as possibly meaning this, and then I won't even know, uh, until upon reflection, whether I've got that right or not. 

Erin Meadows: Yes.

Tina Unrue: You know? 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: And then it's having the courage to try again. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: and the courage to try again.

Erin Meadows: Yes. And to start discerning, you know, my body is responding as if it's in fight or flight. Am I truly scared of something? Am I actually in danger or, or is this that internal fear of I'm gonna be found out that I'm not good enough? Or like where do I need to lovingly push myself? And where is it okay to say like, this is a hard note for me.

Tina Unrue: Right? 

Erin Meadows: And I don't always get that right. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: There are times where I opt out of something and then upon further reflection, like me, girl, you did that cuz you were scared. You said no cause you were scared. Like, what, what would happen next time if you, you sat with that a little longer and maybe you didn't say no.

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 


[00:36:20] Most of us weren't taught how to do this work when we were kids
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Erin Meadows: And that these were skills, by the way, that no one is taught as a child. 

Tina Unrue: Exactly. 

Erin Meadows: We don't, we don't learn this stuff. Nobody sits us down and is like, I'm gonna teach you how to cry on purpose and here's why. I'm gonna teach you how to feel that horrible feeling. I'm gonna teach you how to be really uncomfortable and not get yourself out of it, like let yourself sit in it.

We just we're not taught that. And so that can be a hard thing to learn at a certain age, but boy is it powerful. And when you learn it and you can teach it to little people, it's like, it gives me chills to think about how we can change generations by doing that. 

Tina Unrue: Yes, yes. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Well, I'm actively trying, that's for sure in my own home, and I know that so many other women are doing the same. And a lot of, you know, what we talked about today is, just the, the messy and beautiful act of coming home to yourself and the gift that it is to our families, and quite frankly, ultimately the world, just like you just said.

Because that act in and of itself, when we start to give ourselves permission to not know the answer. To accept the fact that there is no easy button. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yes. 

Tina Unrue: For life. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: And that every step of our journey is going to have some type of complexity to it. Or like you alluded to earlier, it is sometimes the deepening of a lesson maybe that needs to be learned.

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: Or a deeper uncovering of a belief or thought or emotion maybe that we thought we had finished. Mm-hmm. , right? Or conquered. I, at least I know for me, right? Yes. I will have, um, around two or around 74 of something that I thought I was done with, and I'm like, crap. 

Erin Meadows: Like, I didn't know that was under there. Yeah. I thought I cleaned out all the cobwebs.

Tina Unrue: Right? 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 


[00:38:27] Getting started is the hardest part
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Tina Unrue: So what I, what I can say, to those who are listening is that I think the self-development journey is, is probably most challenging to start. But then once you start, I feel like it gets easier because things become a bit more evident, like how you deal with a challenge, right?

Or something that you've uncovered and the work that you've done. You just start to, in essence, create a deeper connection and bond with yourself. 

Erin Meadows: Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Right? So it's like a strengthening of that relationship, just like any other relationship, you know, marriage kids, your best friend, your parents, whoever, right.

Like the relationship with yourself is, is one that's worth developing. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah, absolutely. And it's, it's, you know, we are told, and women are told that we have basically one, one job on this planet. Right. And that maybe two: have children and serve others. That's really historically what women have been told.

Tina Unrue: Don't get me started on service. 

Erin Meadows: Right. Oh my gosh. I mean, and like, and, and let me tell you, I'm someone who chose not to have children, and I'm also someone who will gladly lay on my couch and watch somebody else do the, the work around the house and let myself relax and it, and like I push up against all of those things.

So any, any woman who steps into this work is going to have to combat a fuck time of messaging that what she's doing is wrong, it's selfish, it's dangerous. Like the, the level of messaging women get around this, it's, it, they, you will be told this is dangerous to do. It will destroy your family. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: And I just wanna say those things are lies coming from systems that are put in place to keep women quiet and down.

Tina Unrue: Yes. 

Erin Meadows: And I didn't learn that until later in life, and I had already liberated myself in a lot of ways. I just didn't realize it. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 


[00:40:37] Exercise: What matters most to you
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Erin Meadows: But I'll tell you the, the, the exercise I love to give to clients, because a lot of times with this work, taking that first step can feel big because I think people feel like, to do this work, I'm gonna have to answer, who am I?

And I tell people, don't worry about that. That will come way later. Maybe at the very end of everything, we'll finally know who we are. 

Instead, I give my clients this exercise: write down the five things that matter most to you. But the caveat is you cannot write down your partner, your children, your parents, no family and not your job.

But what matters to you as a human, having your own distinct human? We're gonna assume everyone and the universe knows that you care about your children. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: And your and your partner. We're just gonna assume that's on the list. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: And if you can't identify what matters to you outside of being a mom, a partner, a daughter, a sister, whatever your career is, then you, then that's when you reach out to get a little help.

And if you can't identify those things, and I want you to look at your calendar and see the last time that you actively engaged in something that mattered to you. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: That could be the first of many steps to coming home, is to just answer that question. You don't have to tell the world who you are that can come later, just what's important to you outside of being all these labels that we have.

It can be, it can be a challenging exercise. 

Tina Unrue: Oh, for sure. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Right, because it's like meeting a stranger for the first time. 

Erin Meadows: Yes, yes. And, and I've had clients that have come back and said, this kind of cracked me open because I, when I wrote down what mattered to me, and then I opened my calendar up, I realized it had been years since I did, since I was in my garden. Years, since I let myself go have a massage or take a trip by my myself, I have not done this.

And that's where the, where your listeners can call you up and say, here's, let's start. I coach me. I need to get, I need to get into this stuff. Right. 

Tina Unrue: Exactly. Exactly. 

Erin Meadows: Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: So we did not coordinate this by any means, but that just shows how much the universe just serves up exactly what we need because we are wrapping up our conversation here.

And as you've just talked about this exercise and you so generously shared with the listeners, so I appreciate you doing that. Um, I'm gonna ask you mm-hmm. , what is mattering most to you in the season of life? 

Erin Meadows: I love that. Right before we got on this call, and I'm looking at the piece of paper, I wrote that by the end of this year, I want to feel at peace and proud, and that is what's really coming up for me.

And, and those are two words that don't often play well with each other. Mm-hmm. Because a lot of times as a very highly ambitious, motivated person, in order to feel proud, I tend to naturally wanna slip into hustling and grinding, and I have to work to not do that. And to feel at peace means I have to really full, fully let go and kick back.

And in this season of life, I think I'm at a place where I don't want for much. My basic human needs are met. I know I am learning more and more about who I am every day. Um, I do good work and I feel good about the work I do. I'm blessed and privileged, let's be clear in a lot of ways. I have a lot of privilege that I didn't earn necessarily that was just given to me.

I really yearn for, for peace and for that kind of that pride that is kind of life, legacy, pride. That I know what I'm doing is, is really going to be my legacy. And so that's kind of where I'm at right now is, is creating those two things for myself. 

Tina Unrue: Hmm. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think it's really important for us as women to support each other in adopting and making space for more peace, more ease, more rest. So many women are in that cycle of burnout. Hustle and then rest to recover and then we hustle again. And I remember over the summer I came up with two terms that I wanted to really embody the summer for me.

And one was ease and one was family. 

Erin Meadows: I love that. 

Tina Unrue: Right. And then I was trying to reconcile my word of the year, which is discipline. And I was like, but discipline sometimes for me can conjure up ideas of hustling, right? Like being disciplined with my time and just being working all the time, you know, and making sure that I am not being lackadaisical.

And, and then I asked myself the question, what would disciplined ease look like? 

Erin Meadows: Mm. 

Tina Unrue: Right? And so it just sounds like you and I are kind of on the same wavelength with that, like 

Erin Meadows: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: So how do we find the balance. I know that can be a charged term for some mm-hmm. . Um, but how do we find the balance of still getting what we want, but yet not feeling like we have to overexert to get it? 

Erin Meadows: Yes, yes.

Yeah. And creating kind of some of that safety around that, around like, bit by bit. For me, it was kind of letting go and pulling back and then realizing that nothing fell apart, and then taking a little bit more of my hand off the wheel and just kind of creating that and asking for what I want. Being very clear, I don't make my husband guess.

I ask him for what I want. I don't make people in business wonder what I want. I tell them what I want and we try to figure out if that works. And I think that is really important because let me tell you, if this world was filled with well-rested women who are not in a constant state of fight flight burnout, like we would take over this world.

And that is why there are systems in place that are meant to keep women tired and burned out and exhausted. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Erin Meadows: And so, help your sisters get a nap.

Tina Unrue: Right. 

Erin Meadows: Help your sisters get that meal put on the table. Like, let's be there for each other and let's help each other. Learn to ask for what we want. Learn to say no to things and show each other that we can do that and still flourish. Not just survive, but thrive. 

We can do that. 

Tina Unrue: Absolutely. We can. We can. And we can do it together. 

Erin Meadows: We can do it together. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Erin Meadows: Like, yeah, like hand extended. We can do it together. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. Thank you for that. The revolution's coming. I'm convinced. 

Erin Meadows: Oh, it is, it is. 

Tina Unrue: How, how can people find you? 

Erin Meadows: Oh, the best way to find me is on Instagram at Erin Meadows coaching. When you're there, sign up to get my emails. Would love to stay in touch and, um, yeah, follow along. My business, like me is evolving every day. There's always something fun and exciting popping up.

So wonderful. Lots of things to offer. 

Tina Unrue: Wonderful. Well, I know you have a program that's launching in January, and so we'll make sure to drop that information in the show notes for everybody, um, so that they way they can sign up, um, if they wanna get more information on that. 

Is there anything else you'd like to share before we depart?

Erin Meadows: Oh my gosh. Well, thank you for having me. And I just, I think my, my big take home message is no matter who you are or where you're at in your journey, you deserve a fulfilled life. You were not just created to be of service to others. You are allowed to ask for what you want and get what you desire. And that does not make you selfish or bad or dangerous.

So go out and do that. I 100% promise you everyone benefits the healthier and happier you are. 

Tina Unrue: I couldn't think of a better note to end this on. Thank you, Erin, for being my guest. I'm truly honored that we've connected in that we were able to kind of share your story with everybody. So thank you so much.

Erin Meadows: Thank you. 

Tina Unrue: I absolutely loved chatting with Erin. She is a beautiful, vibrant and determined soul. I was ecstatic to hear that we shared the concept of selfishness being quite a selfless act. And we both believe that it truly is. I am so glad that she is doing the work to reject any and all messaging of too muchness in her own life. 

As she and I discussed, most women get this messaging, both subtly and overtly. And oftentimes we have no idea that this messaging is running rampant in our lives, in our subconscious, in the background and really causing all kinds of mischief and chaos. 

So if you know that you got that messaging, whether as a child or as an adult, even know that you are not too much. In fact, you're just right. And even if you're not sure that you got that messaging, maybe it's some other type of messaging that you got that you just find doesn't serve you anymore, know that you are worthy of the journey to come home back to yourself, back to your truth, and back to your light. 

Erin, thank you so much for sharing your story and your light with us. I am so glad you exist in the world and for your journey of healing, that ultimately is helping others heal themselves. So we need more people like you. This episode was recorded in October of 2022. And so I ask that you please forgive any references to dates during our interview because they are now outdated. 

I'll drop Erin's information in the show notes. Please go check her out and connect with either of us, or both of us, to share what resonated most with you. 

If you enjoyed this episode, I would be deeply honored if you would leave us a review, share the podcast, rate the podcast just so that other mamas who might need to hear this message can find it and maybe get the same benefit that you did. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for daring to be selfish, and we hope to see you next time. 

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Tina Unrue

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