Selfish Mama Matters

1.06 - Overcoming People Pleasing to Please Yourself with Julie Kristin

• Julie Kristin • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Julie Kristin has long been committed to living life on her terms. In this episode, she shares her journey of working a few different jobs before taking the leap into entrepreneurship. But that leap didn't come without struggle. Listen in as Julie shares how she overcame her people pleasing tendencies to please herself, and in doing so, has created a workplace that's welcoming for moms.

Guest: Julie Kristin

Host: Tina Unrue

It's not that I suddenly got up in the morning and said, okay, today I'm gonna live my life completely different. That's, unfortunately not how it works. Welcome to the Selfish Mama Matters Podcast with your host, and my mom, Tina Unrue.

Tina Unrue: Julie, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. I am incredibly grateful for you to have said yes to my invitation, and I cannot wait to share your story with people because I think it's gonna resonate a lot with moms and really any women, even if they're not moms who happen to be listening.

So before we get started, would you please introduce yourself? Share your pronouns and share with us how you are showing up in the world.

Julie Kristin: Yes. Thank you so much for having me and for the invitation. I'm so excited to be here. My name is Julie Kristin. My pronouns are she and her, and I am a six figure entrepreneur.

I started my own business seven years ago. I still cannot believe that it's seven years ago. And I have traveled the world. I went on a world trip for five years. It got a little bit stopped by Covid, and now I'm living in Dubai, living the dream of being a remote entrepreneur working from home. 

Tina Unrue: That's pretty exciting.

I would say that you probably have what many would call the dream life. Making the income, traveling the world, like it just screams freedom. Does it feel like freedom? 

Julie Kristin: Yes, it definitely feels like freedom. It definitely is. Just looking back on my corporate life where I really worked, I didn't even work the 40 hours. I worked 50, 60 hours and I was literally just like catching up on sleep on weekends. And now I really enjoy going out, exploring where I am staying. Um, right now I'm in Dubai where we have desert and the mountains. Um, before I was in Hong Kong, which was lovely, I spent seven months in Hong Kong. I visited China, I spent all over Europe.

I've seen all, um, different European countries and it's just so much fun when you actually get to decide what your working hours are, what your office hours are, and you can just like take off in the middle of the day. Um, I used to do a thing that was called Monday morning escapes. So I made sure that I was not in the office on Monday morning.

Um, and I was usually out and about exploring and it was the best time. It's the real, real feeling of freedom. 

Tina Unrue: That's wonderful. I'm, I'm so not jealous or envious, but I am just incredibly excited for you and to hear other people who get to live freedom, however that looks and feels like for them. 

And so it definitely looks good on you. For those of you who are just listening to this podcast. I don't know if we'll ever release the video, but she is beaming from ear to ear, so it definitely looks good on you. Um, I'm sure that we will get to kind of your current lifestyle because I definitely have questions there, but I, I kind of wanna start at the beginning and it sounds like that was kind of corporate life and working a lot of hours. So, you know, do you mind sharing with us what that corporate life looked like and kind of what the catalyst you felt was for leaving it and making a change? 

[00:03:29] Twists and turns post-college

Julie Kristin: Yeah, so I have a little bit of a mixed CV. I did my studies, I did a bachelor business administration.

I worked for a year. Then the, um, um, world crisis 2008, 2009 hit. So I lost my job. So I decided to do something completely different. Went into hotel management that, a whole hotel training program, um, which I thought was really stressful and exhausting because we had 14 hour shifts. Um, we worked nights, we worked super early mornings.

Um, it really helped me with my whole personality to be more outgoing, to be more decisive, to, uh, learn how to deal with different people, especially difficult people. Mm-hmm. Like, it's, it's a whole different thing if you're getting yelled at in front of everybody on a reception um, than if somebody's doing it in a back office, then you're just all by yourself.

Tina Unrue: Right. 

Julie Kristin: Um, so it was definitely a, a great time, but I learned quickly that I'm just like not made for that. I'm, I was so unhappy with like, having those long hours and like literally no free time. The free time we spend most of the time partying to forget the hard work um, and then we tried to catch up on sleep in between.

So I thought, okay, great. I'm going back to corporate because that's what I knew. Um, so I decided to be an assistant again. I went to, um, a big consulting company, one of the famous ones, and it was literally the same. The first day they handed me a laptop, you have a mobile phone like that, you do not have to pay for yourself. And I thought it was amazing until I learned that also meant that I could work 24/7 for them because they could always reach me and I could always work because I could not just say like, I'm not sitting in front of my computer.

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Julie Kristin: I have a laptop. So, um, after a while I switched companies because I thought maybe at a different company it's better, and I was still unhappy. So at one point I just decided to pull the plug. I did not do the, the regular thing where you save up and then you do the jump. I literally quit, um, in my second job on probation.

I was still on probation and I was just like over it. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

[00:05:36] Celebrating Freedom from Corporate

Julie Kristin: And yeah, that's, um, that's how I started my own business. It was seven years ago in July. I remember it because I immediately booked a flight, um, ticket to New York City and I spent a full month in New York City. I wanted to celebrate my freedom. I was really lucky because back then, um, I made it in time for July 4th fireworks.

So I saw July 4th fireworks in New York. And then at the same time, uh, the US Soccer women team won. So they had a ticker-tape parade through New York. So it was like literally, it was like a celebration of freedom, um, in New York for a month. And then after that month, I realized, first of all, I had to go back to my old apartment because I still had an apartment rented and then I had to find a way to make money.

Tina Unrue: That is so fun. I love the timing of things, you know, when things just come together at the perfect time and you were able to come to New York City at such a fabulous time to be able to see the fireworks and the US celebrating its independence. Um, and also just the success of the US Women's Soccer Team, uh, championship win.

So that's really fun. So you took a huge risk, it sounds like. 

Julie Kristin: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: Why do you think you did that? 

[00:06:52] The backstory

Julie Kristin: I was just completely fed up. I was mentally, I was really burned out. Um, the last, especially the last job, it was literally like, um, a power play at work and I was just not able to handle it because I was such a people pleaser that it literally like almost to me apart because I had two different managers and both managers had two different opinions and two different ways on how to do things. One wanted me in the morning, um, to be in the office at 9:00 AM which I'm not a morning person. I rarely made it on time, 9:00 AM to the office.

Um, the other person couldn't care less if I was in the office at 9:00 AM because he showed up at 11:00 AM, but then he wanted me to stay longer because he was staying longer, so he needed me there. So it was literally like two completely different worlds. And it was just at the time where I just realized I don't want to have anybody else making up the rules on how I work when I work, um, how I live my life um, because it was literally, um, so restrictive. Um, because you know, like if you, if I didn't show up at 9:00 AM I would get a call from, from the, from the one manager that he would stand in my office and I was not there. And then I would rush into work and then the other office manager would at, the other manager would be like, oh, I need you to stay late today.

And I had to literally cancel all my plans. And at that time, I really didn't have the power to stand up for myself, but I did have this urge in me that says like, how can somebody else decide over my life? And it's not just, you know, it's, it's work just takes so much time in a, in a week. I mean, we are talking Monday to Friday, 40 hours, 50 hours, 60 hours.

It's a lot of time in your life that I just realized this is not how I want to live my life. This is not how I want to go forward. And this has to stop.

Tina Unrue: Wow, that's pretty powerful. I think a lot of moms listening understand what it feels like to have a sense of, for a lack of a better term, powerlessness, right?

Like we have a lot of responsibilities and things that just come with life that we just need to do. Whether it's showing up at work at a certain time during the day, um, staying late or having someone else kind of dictate right, what those hours are. Um, obviously a lot of servitude and support when it comes to kids, whether it's their activities, something related to school or just their emotional needs and physical needs, right?

Like there's a lot of things that go into that. So I really love too, that you brought up the fact that, you know, part of the discomfort for you was the people pleaser in you, and yet at the time, you were lacking the ability to stand up for yourself, you know, and create the boundaries. Did you actually try to figure out a resolution there? Or were you just like, drop mic, I'm out. 

Julie Kristin: Um, I tried. I tried, um, at the beginning I tried working with both people, explaining my side, explaining who I am, explaining how I work, how I work best, and how I can support them best.

Um, but I was really kind of like both were like in their ways, which, I mean, it's good if you know yourself. It's just like I knew that because they were both the complete opposite. I would just literally stretch myself too thin at one point that I would snap, and I just didn't see any solution for myself to make it easier for myself that I was just giving up , literally giving up and, and just like giving into this, this, I felt really powerless.

I felt really hopeless, um, to be able to get a solution for this problem. I talked to HR. I talked to other assistants and managers in the office. And I was just at a point, um, probation. Back then, I was in Germany, probation is six months. So for six months I tried it. I literally, Um, uh, quit my job in the last week of probation.

Tina Unrue: Wow. 

Julie Kristin: So I really tried it until the end. And then, um, the, the other problem was basically I was hit with a deadline because during probation you can easily quit. After probation, you have like a notice period and everything. So I was, was literally fighting with myself. Do I go through with the a probation period and, and quit on a probation period, or do I actually stick with it, try it, and then I have the long notice period?

I think the notice period at that time was like something like two or three months. And it was just like so daunting to me that like if we don't have a solution until the end of the probation period, I will just like not be able to make it. And it was just like where I was like, ok, no probation period. Now I can get out easy and then I will find a solution, but I will not stick around and then I have the notice period to somehow like get through it. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. Well, kudos to you for trying to resolve it within the structure, you know, that was established. And also it seems like you had a measure of self advocating. You know, even though you didn't, um, set boundaries. At least you knew yourself, like you knew that you were not a morning person, and you certainly knew yourself enough to know that trying to continue to support two different personality types like that would be very detrimental for you.

And I think a lot of moms that are listening might resonate with knowing some of that, but I don't know that a lot of them know themselves well enough to be able to articulate it the way that you did. So I hope that you know how powerful that is, number one. And number two, I hope it gives some space to moms listening to be able to maybe identify that within themselves. You know, are they a morning person? Are they a night owl? You know, how do you work best? How would you like to work? And obviously life comes with responsibilities and it's not always exactly the way that we want. Even as a business owner for you there may be parts of the business that are the least desirable aspects, right, versus the ones that are most desirable. So the point is, is that there's, um, like the pros and cons or the trade-offs re really to anything. 

So you decided to leave after analyzing the environment and the impacts.

Tina Unrue: And so that's then when you started your business? 

Julie Kristin: Yes. 

Tina Unrue: After, of course the celebration in New York. 

Julie Kristin: Yes.

[00:13:44] The path to a new and flexible career starts

Tina Unrue: So, so tell me, how did you come up with the idea? What is it that you do? 

Julie Kristin: Well, I started out as a virtual assistant. I went online. I went and looked for what jobs can I do from home where I can have my own office hours, where I can decide what I wanna do, where I can travel the world and work from everywhere.

Just have my laptop and have some wifi connection. And, um, at that time, something popped up that, that's it, virtual assistant. So I looked it up and it sounded really good, and I found a, a open job in a Facebook group. And I talked to that person and she said, great, my client is looking for somebody who is moderating their Facebook group.

So I started for $10 an hour moderating a Facebook group, um, going in there deleting posts and telling people like what is approved, what is not approved. Um, suggesting my client's products and just making sure that everything in this Facebook group was running well. And I literally worked my way up, um, with that client.

I started out as a Facebook group moderator. Afterwards I started and helped them with their website. Um, I helped them build their sales pages. I helped them build their sales funnel. Um, then I got, um, promoted to basically take care of their team. They had a remote team. People were all over the world, um, in, in different areas.

Most of them were independent contractors, were also virtual assistants that were also traveling. So we all kind of like had the same kind of like lifestyle and could just like exchange tips and tricks and on how to make it work. And yeah, at the end I was responsible for their whole online business.

And um, literally what I would do for my client is set everything up and I would tell them, listen, the webinar starts at this time. Make sure that you go online, I'm in the chat room, helping you out with anything that, that comes up. And then after the webinar was over, they would leave and I would just like clean up, make sure to answer any emails that are coming in, making sure that the product sells.

And, um, yeah, putting out the, the wait list once the, once the sale was over and all those things behind the scenes, all the tech part, everything that, um, doesn't have to do directly with the client's work. 

[00:15:58] Scrappiness and commitment is required

Tina Unrue: Yeah. So kudos to you for jumping in with both feet. Celebrating first of course, and then researching like, okay, what are my options? And just kind of digging in and putting yourself out there. It sounds like that initial job that you got was really the catalyst for the business that you have now. 

Julie Kristin: Yes, it definitely was. It definitely was also because I learned so much. Like I literally at the time, at, at, at the beginning, I had no idea.

I've never heard of sales pages, I've never heard of sales funnels. I never...well, I've gotten sales emails, but I've never written one. I had never done Facebook ads. I had no clue of everything, and I just had to learn it, um, along the way. I had a little bit of coding back when I was oh, in the 11th grade. But yeah, literally everything else. Um, I bought online courses. I had coaches. I worked with I think over the years, over the seven years, I think I had like three or four different business coaches who just helped me with different aspects, how to sell better, how to market better to, to my clients, how to, yeah, get leads in, and also how to get better in what I actually do. 

Like, I have a bunch of online courses about Facebook ads, Instagram, copywriting, emails, sales funnel, all different kind of systems. I'm now fixed on the systems I like, but back then I just like tried whatever came up to me, whatever clients said that they're dealing with, and I just, I really just tried everything and to see what stick with me, what did I like, what did I not like, and really seeing it as an opportunity to just explore and see what is out there.

Giving everything a chance. 

Tina Unrue: It sounds like you at the time were incredibly, curious and willing to explore a variety of topics and ways to provide support as long as it met the requirement for you that you could live from anywhere and work online. Then it sounds like you were just kind of game for figuring it out. 

Did you get all of that coaching and support and understanding about Facebook ads and copywriting and all that kind of stuff? Did you get that when you were working as a virtual assistant for that initial company?

[00:18:26] Luck and seizing opportunity can play a factor too and being willing to try new things to determine what to keep and what to let go of

Julie Kristin: I was working for multiple clients. Um, I had my first client started out as a Facebook, the Facebook group moderation, but then I also got additional clients. Um, I did had one client. I was really lucky to land that client, and not everybody has a chance. I, I know that, um, where I had a huge Facebook ads budget.

I think we were spending, we were spending thousands of dollars. Like I literally, sometimes I check the numbers and I was just like, God, I'm spending more than I'm making in a year on Facebook ads right now. And I mean, like, I'm incredibly grateful for that because I know that not everybody gets a chance. And I got to to learn so much because if you have a different budget, you can do totally different things and test all the different things.

It's the same when it comes to, um, funnels. If you work with a client who has all the funnels already built out and you're just about tweaking them and you see all the possibility that is out there, it's different than when you work with a client who has zero funnels and you basically have to build it all up yourself.

And just like going in there and, and trying those different things, those were different clients. I started with one at the beginning and, um, the most clients I had at the same time, um, were about seven clients at the same time. Um, but I always made it really clear that I'm not working for one person.

I'm not a full-time employee. Um, you cannot tell me when I work, what I, um, what time I show up. Um, yes, I show up to meetings, but you have to let me know in advance. You cannot just say like, hey, I need you on a call right now. Um, so it was really, really about also finding the different ways and how to deal with, you know, like all those different people wanna piece from you.

How do you organize yourself? How do you organize your clients? So it was, a lot of coaching was based around that. Um, because as a people pleaser, you can easily burn yourself out having your own business. Um, because you, you tend to say yes to everything, especially if there's money behind it. Um, everybody wants you to do things.

Tina Unrue: Yeah. 

Julie Kristin: And it can make things really, really difficult. But no, I tried it with different clients. I had different kind of like companies, different kind of, um, industries, different kind of branches and different kind of systems. Like the whole mix to basically now where I know what kind of client I like to work with, what kind of systems I like to work with, and what kind of projects I like to work on. 

Tina Unrue: So thank you for bringing it back because I, you know, I loved being able to hear what life in essence like looked like before your present day, right. And now we have an understanding of kind of how you got to where you are now and your modus operandi. I think that's how you say it. Um, you know the way and the culture that you're trying to create within your business and the creation of boundaries for yourself and really living true to what it is that you enjoy doing, and identifying that which you don't enjoy doing, right.

How do you feel you went from someone who was focused on people pleasing, and knowing that you could burn out in that corporate setting and clearly being overworked in the hotel management setting to someone now who is almost the complete opposite, or would you say that's even true? 

[00:21:46] Doing the work to stop people pleasing

Julie Kristin: Um, yes, I would definitely say it's true, but I didn't do it myself. That's the first step. Um, it's not that I suddenly got up in the morning and said, okay, today I'm gonna live my life completely different.

That's, unfortunately not how it works. I had a lot of help. Um, in between, I had a lot of coaches and although I had business coaches a lot of times we worked on actual beliefs that are coming up. You know, if you say no to a client, what does that actually make you feel? What do you believe about yourself?

What, what is going on in that moment? What does it mean for the future of your business? You know, like all the stories that you make up, all the beliefs that you carry with you. And so it basically meant really going deep into looking at, okay, what is going on in my mind? What is going on? What is the mindset around my business, around my work, around myself? What do I think about myself? And really pulling back the layers. Why do I people please, in what ways do I people please, how does that affect myself, my business, my life? And really diving deep into all those different layers. Um, there were times where I hated all of my clients and I wanted to fire every single one.

Um, there were times where I was like super happy and super sad when I had to, to fire one, or when I had to say like, listen, I cannot do this anymore. This is like, not what makes me happy anymore, but I have this amazing person that can take over for you. And I mean, it's really, um, also about celebrating every single time it goes the right way, every single time I learn something about myself, every single time I make a step and stand up for myself. I think that the change that really comes is that I stopped asking other people about what they think about me, but really starting to look at myself. How do I feel about myself? How do I think about myself?

Do I like the way I think about myself? Do I like the way that I feel about myself in this situation? And then taking responsibility for myself and then changing the situation that I didn't like.

[00:23:52] Mistakes are part of the journey

And it's really a path where you, where I, myself, had to really be honest to myself. It's not always easy. It's not always pretty. There are a lot of tears. There are a lot of days where I just like didn't wanna get outta bed.

Julie Kristin: I didn't wanna get on a call. Um, I mean, the, the first time I had to be on a Zoom call and tell a client I had made a mistake. I did everything. I deleted websites. I have deleted emails. I have deleted contacts. I, um, lost so much progress on, on some things. I have deleted social media posts. I have deleted Facebook ads.

I mean, like I did, did all those, those, uh, mistakes. I went through all of them. The list is long, but my mistakes that I did along the way, I did not let them devalue me. You know, it, it's just like I'm human. I make mistakes and it doesn't matter. if the person thinks less of me or not, I just own up to it.

I just say like, okay, I made a mistake. I'm learning from it. And then I just like, go on and address all the problems and learn from that experience. And that's the same when it comes to people pleasing. Like, yes, sometimes somebody might be mad about me, but then looking at it and being like, okay, what is this person mad about and how does this affect me?

How does it affect my life? What if I don't change about this? How will it affect my future? How will it affect my future business? Like if I always say yes to this one client, I will neglect the other clients and necessarily my business. So really the focus was really on mindset work and really working on myself.

Up until this dialogue it would, it could have seemed and been interpreted that , in that moment when you left corporate, you just became a new person. What you so vulnerably and graciously shared was the fact that yes, you had that kind of catalyst moment where you decided, okay, this is not for me. I need to leave. And you cemented into your values, including freedom and travel. And then you started to look for ways to be able to make that possible. And you did that, but you also still brought with you the mindset that existed in corporate and through it all, you had to kind of slowly pick it apart and really have the self-reflection and intention and the diligence to be able to get to the root cause of those issues because they were still present, they were still showing up, in this new effort. And the only difference is that this job, for a lack of better term, mattered more to you, right, than the corporate job. So it was, it was the vehicle by which you were willing to, in essence, do that work, to be able to gain the clarity that you needed to move forward. 

Tina Unrue: And the other part that I love about it too is, you know, you mentioned some questions that you were asking, very insightful questions, and it was in essence the ability to look at the situation from an objective point of view and to be able to look at it as just data. There does not necessarily have to be an emotional attachment to everything. We can just look at it and discern it for the value that we want to gain from it.

[00:27:24] Grant yourself permission to be human

So you launched into a brand new career, and not only did you have to figure out what that looked like, you grew the entire time and you were willing to learn from all the various opportunities that were being given to you by client need or interest, whatever it is. But even along the way, even with training, you still made mistakes because you're human.

Tina Unrue: And so many moms tend to put the bar so high that it is just an unattainable level of expectation and we strive so hard for this, whatever perfection is supposed to be. I'm just not even sure. Um, and I am not preaching on high people. I, I definitely was one of those moms. I don't know what I was striving for, but I was striving for, you know, the, the woman who could have the career and never make mistakes in her career and be the person that everybody liked. There was definitely people pleasing going on. And then I wanted to be the mom who could have everything under control at the house, and I wanted to be the mom who didn't yell at her kid and just, just all the things. I never wanted anything to go wrong. And , you have shared, and Lord knows I have shared as have other people on the podcast have all shared that the hardships in life are still just going to come.

Life is riddled with struggle just as much as it is joy, and we can kind of lean into them as we desire, given what we want and what the circumstance is. But we're not going to escape the hard. And hard does not mean we're doing something wrong. It just means we're humaning. Yes, I'm using it as a verb.

Julie Kristin: And I worked with a, I worked with a lot of moms. I had a lot of moms on my, on my team. Although I don't have my own kids, I have seen a lot of times on where, um, moms are struggling, especially if they're working, if they, especially if they have their own businesses. All of my team members had their own businesses. And I do understand that not everything works perfectly and it's, it's really, um, the way it work best for, for me and my team was when we were open and honest and vulnerable and we said like, listen, right now my kids are sick. Somebody has to take over. And I know it's like super hard if you wanna people please. A lot of times they, they started with like, I don't wanna be a burden. I don't wanna worry you. I don't wanna like, you know, put it on your plate. 

[00:30:07] What being an empowering leader looks like

Julie Kristin: And really, I felt my job was really to empower them to actually say it out loud, to actually be okay with it, to actually say what's going on, to actually own up to that. Um, they wanted to put their kids first. That's why they just started their, their businesses and their jobs so they could stay at home, they could work from home, they could work their own hours. And I mean, it was just so beautiful to see, to see them blossom into the business owners and to stand up for their kids, take off time during the summer holidays. Um, like literally, um, really like stepping up if kids were sick. I mean, COVID was such a hard time, all the kids at home, um, um, uh, on the online school and using their, their parents', uh, laptops and computers and the parents trying to make it work with their work. And I mean, it was really, it was a difficult time, but I felt like to create an open environment to really have this open conversation, this honest conversation, if you have a Zoom call and kids running in the background, that's just how life is. That's just how you as a mother work. I have seen all the kids. Um, it's, it's just a natural thing that they come, they wanna say hello, things like that. And it was really important for me to make sure that that doesn't mean that they were less or that it meant that their work was not good enough, or that they couldn't give me all the attention or anything like that. I made sure that if I gave them a project, they had all the details that they needed, so that actually when they started work, that they could actually go through the work and did not have to like, you know, stop and ask this detail, stop and ask this detail.

Really making sure that I can help and support them as much as possible so that they can actually live the life and the dream that they have for their kids, for their business, and for their life.

Tina Unrue: Well, I can't applaud that enough because I don't feel like a lot of companies are there yet. And you know, I am completely biased.

I think women can be the best leaders, mom or not, because I think that we have more of an understanding of what other women are going through. And when we can start creating businesses and systems and environments where women, especially moms, can bring their whole selves to the table. Obviously at one point it used to be that we were expected to compartmentalize our lives, and your personal life should never have been brought up at work.

You were supposed to just somehow turn that off and show up and do your work, and one supposedly did not influence the other. Um, like you mentioned, even in your corporate job, they, they gave you, you know, a cell phone and a laptop.

Right? When you are digitally tethered to the organization, you no longer have a personal life that has boundaries, because if that phone goes off or if that email dings, you don't know if it needs your attention. Is it urgent? Is it not urgent? Companies are getting better, I think, at defining those boundaries.

So it's like, okay, I'll send you an email, but just because you hear it ding, you don't need to hear it. Feel free to turn off your notifications. If I really need you, if something's really urgent, I will text you, call you, right? But in the beginning, when that was first happening years ago, that none of those parameters were set. So it was very hard to kind of shut yourself off from work when you were at home, but yet you were still expected to turn off home when you were at work. And so our lives started to just increasingly become this one big melting pot of work and home life more so at home than at work. 

And I love now seeing more people like yourself create work environments that allow, if not welcome and invite women to bring in the personal aspects. I feel like when we do, not only do we feel more supported as the employee, because now no more do we have to compartmentalize things. And when we have more leaders like you, more business owners who are willing to say, Hey, tell me what's going on, and, and let me be a partner here to figure out how we can still get mission met, of course. But I equally care just as much as about you because I need you at your best in order to do the best work.

When we can create environments like that, it will change the, the work life dynamic, incredibly. Like employers will not have to worry as much about the work getting done because it will just get done. It will get done well because you've taken care of the people. 

Thank you for doing that. Thank you for showing up in that way. 

Julie Kristin: Thank you. 

Tina Unrue: So as we wind down, I appreciate you sharing really how you, you know, worked through all of your people pleasing, kind of default tendencies, if you will, and you've really gotten into a space where you have tried to catch those thoughts and tendencies, um, and really put a spotlight on them.

You know, that's the only way to change things is when we can kind of really shine a light on them for what they are and decide whether we wanna keep them or not. Um, and people pleasing certainly is a lot of selflessness because we'll give of ourselves, we will sacrifice ourselves in order to please others thinking that then it will somehow serve us or replenish us.

Once we become adults, we start to realize the rub that that creates and that is no longer, um, needed or beneficial in our lives. And the shedding of those kind of habits and default tendencies take real work. 

Tina Unrue: And so kudos to you for doing that work and creating safe spaces, for your employees as well to kind of work through be supported in contributing to the world, cuz that's really what all of us want. Whether we do it inside the home or outside of the home, it doesn't matter. So thank you for that. 

What is mattering most to you in this season of life? 

[00:36:43] Letting go of drama

Julie Kristin: In this season of life? Um, I definitely have to say I'm really focused on not having drama, like one of the, the really big mantras for myself right now is not my circus, not my monkeys. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. 

Julie Kristin: Every single time when I want to get like, really worked up about something where something really like annoys me or something like that, it's really like keep breathing through. Does that help me right now if I get mad? Does that, is that helpful for myself, for my business?

One of the things I, I learned the, the last couple, couple weeks about myself is that I used to strive a lot to be a nice person.

A lot of times people say like, oh, you have to be a nice person and things like that. But nice for me, meant a lot to think about the other person. I wanted to be seen as nice. It was not necessary that I wanted to be nice. And it was a lot of, um, things about like really looking at how I created this drama to be a problem solver, to be the nice person, to be the person that steps up and to actually see and to realize that drama is no longer part of my life. I pretty much worked on my business for seven years with, with coaches and I literally, this year, I started working on my personal life. And I didn't even realize that I did not really work on my personal life.

And we had a lot of, um, family challenges show up this year. And it was difficult decisions and it was really to step away from the family drama that has been a life of me for, um, over 30 years now, which was natural to have this drama around and to really make the active decision to decide, okay, I do not wanna have drama anymore.

Um, I have one of my clients who says, um, drama is like, no, dramas one of her core values in business. And if somebody wants drama, she buys them, uh, tickets to a Broadway show or to cinema and says, here's your drama. You can go and watch your drama. 

Um, but it's really about, for me right now, really about like, finding out what serves me, what doesn't serve me, what really helps me in business, what really helps me in life, what really gets me to live the life that I want to really make sure that I get the life experience that I want, that I have the, the people around me that I like to have, the clients, the business. 

Um, even my business has gone through a lot of struggles and a lot of changes. Um, a lot of clients that I let go, a lot of services that I had to shut down because it was causing too much drama, and I really am looking forward to having this no drama, no stress. Really being able to focus on my client and deliver the best service and also to live my best life outside of my business. 

[00:39:35] Selfishness leads to selflessness

Tina Unrue: Hmm. Given the fact that this is a podcast about selfishness and selflessness and the fact that they're not mutually exclusive, I really love that the focus on self is mattering to you right now in regards to kind of setting that boundary with things that feel dramatic, you know, and, and just kind of putting up that wall and saying, I'm not going to entertain that because I care about my inner peace, um, and stability, right? Because you carry that with you through everything. And especially as a business owner where you have a team of people and you are having to create an environment for them as well, right?

Like that level of discipline and um, just self guidance. And self knowing is incredibly important, and that in and of itself is incredibly serving in the world, right? We tend to think of selflessness as really the only way to serve, meaning less self. I am not supposed to be present. I'm supposed to just think about other people and tend to them, and what I want doesn't matter.

And I'm here to tell you, please, please, please, the way to genuine selflessness is through yourself. It is the only way, otherwise it is not done in the best of intention. It is done through the intention, like you said, of people pleasing or how will people see me. That is not selflessness. That is not giving.

That's almost like a manipulation, if we're being honest. I know that might hurt and sting a little bit, people. If that hurt and stung, just breathe through it. Just breathe through it. We don't need to manipulate other people to think of us in a certain way. We just need to be true to ourselves and live our lives in a sense of alignment with what feels true for us. That is exactly what I feel we're called here to do. It sounds like it's exactly what you are doing and it sounds like you are doing it well and creating a wonderful environment for those who work for you. So thank you for epitomizing this for us here on the podcast.

If people want to follow up with you, how can they find you? 

Julie Kristin: I run my business Spark to Sparkles. So you can find me at sparktosparkles.com. I'm also showing up on social media from time to time whenever I'm in a mood. @juliekristin and on Instagram it's @juliekristinsparkles. On Facebook you can also find me with the handle Julie Kristin Sparkles.

Tina Unrue: Awesome. I love that too. When you feel like it, that's when you show up to social media. I think that's what a lot of people are feeling these days. 

Julie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am incredibly appreciative of your time and for you kind of giving a peek to the mamas who are listening into how you navigated selflessness to selfishness, and I am honored to have met you and I look forward to keeping in touch.

Julie Kristin: Thank you so much for having me. 

Tina Unrue: Did you guys keep up with that one? Julie and I covered a lot of ground to include, knowing yourself, trying to make a workplace, work for you, being a people pleaser and doing the hard work that it takes in order to analyze your beliefs, analyze how you're showing up in the world, how you may be creating your own results, and taking responsibility for them and changing them. 

We also talked about taking the big leap of faith into entrepreneurship. And doing the work to be able to start at ground zero, make mistakes, and to commit to it being successful no matter what. 

Julie, thank you so much for sharing your story. And for more importantly, creating a safe work environment for working moms. We need more people like you. 

If you would like to contact Julie, her information will be in the show notes. I'm sure she would love to hear from you to hear what you thought about the podcast, as I would. 

And if you enjoyed this episode, I would be deeply honored if you would leave us a review, share the podcast, rate the podcast just so that other mamas who might need to hear this message can find it and maybe get the same benefit that you did. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for daring to be selfish, and we hope to see you next time. 


People on this episode

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Tina Unrue

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